Another Day

So they started Ethan on medication yesterday to help him off the ventilator. We were hoping that would be today but I had my doubts (when the Dr's change plans tend to change.) So this morning they did his weekly eye exam and they gave him morphine for the first time for it. Last week he didn't do so hot with his eye test so they thought this would help him. Well it helped him but it also made him out of it for awhile so the Dr. decided to wait until tomorrow to extubate him and put him back on the high flow nasal cannula. They said that if he pulled it out himself tonight that they would put him on the high flow at that point. I asked "how about I just pull it out and hand it to you." It was hard to see him on the ventilator when he was first born but it is really hard now. He is bigger. He looks like a "term" baby. He looks like he is ready to come home. For some reason though if I tried walking out of the hospital with him I don't think it would go so well (trust me... I have thought of many ways of doing this ;) Well when I was holding him tonight he pulled at his tube and I ended up screaming for a nurse and pushing the call button. (Oh how I thought of just letting him finish pulling it out so they would put him on the cannula but I just couldn't do that!) Things like putting off being extubated for another day just gets to me. I asked why they couldn't do it later at like 5 when he would be awake from the morphine wearing off. She said no because she wanted to make sure she was there in case anything happened. Then she said "another day won't hurt." Yes, as a matter of fact another day will hurt. We are creeping up on that 100 day mark. And that hurts! I so so so badly want to go home with my baby. I know there will be challenges when we are at home (ie... getting up at night, doing daily chores, and having no nurses) but I am so up for that challenge. That challenge will be nothing compared to these last almost 100 days! Seeing Ethan take a step back and having to go back on the ventilator is very hard. Praying he gets off the ventilator tomorrow and onto the nasal cannula.